Fireworks, and the Party in My Pants


The calm had descended on the family and the Great Shutter Disaster of 2025 had been long forgotten and etched into the annals of family history. Tonight would be about fireworks, food (surprise, surprise), and the party in my pants.  Not that kind of party — this was France, not Netflix. But I did end up with a surprise performance later that night…

Bal des Pompiers: Fireworks, Firemen, and Fashion Crimes

We were all relatively refreshed after lunch and snoozes.  The plan was to head to Saint Cado to watch the traditional fireworks display, and who doesn’t enjoy looking at lights in the sky? Think Guy Fawkes meets French revolution, except we don’t burn anybody, and we celebrate with explosions, merriment, dancing, and firemen.

Tonight would be the “bal des pompiers” which I must remind you has nothing to do with firemen’s balls… Well, maybe towards the end of the dance, but that is none of my business. You could see a cross section of French society: the young teens trying to outdress each other, parents with children trying to keep an eye on aforementioned children, parents of a similar age to me looking at the young teens trying to think how anybody could let them out dressed like that, other older parents looking for food, and quite a lot of us looking for booze.

Organisation Française: A Joyful Mess

The organisation was very French, un joyeux bordel, and yet there were signs of some very organised organisers taking orders, firemen cooking various dishes, and others serving and selling the booze.

We drove down and Marina et al followed in their car. We saw the high-vis jackets telling people where to go to park. We were told to go to Car Park 3, because of la dame in the front seat of my car. La Dame was none other than my mother-in-law who was already in a good mood, flattered to be referred to with such deep respect.

A French Family Comedy in Real Time

We saw Louka, Jessica’s other boy, in a queue for something, and as the evening wore on there would be sightings of more offspring like in a French family comedy film.  Gisèle noticed a friend and her son, and this was the perfect opportunity to sit down, as my darling wife’s bad back was playing up.  All of a sudden we saw the Marina party, and they joined us.  

The Soundtrack to a Slightly Tipsy Night

The music from the French DJ was blaring out across the square, which is usually such a quiet place.  Not Bob Sinclair or David Guetta, but Bob Sincliair C5, and David Guet-Apens.  French hits from Claude François, whose songs are guaranteed to get French into a frenzy and doing specific dances.  Even after 30 years of living here there are still songs about the Phare d’Alexandrie, and barracudas that still traumatise me.  “They” seemed to be loving it and really getting into the “mood!”  There is a law against the shooting of crappy DJ’s.  A pity, really.

Moules Frites and Other Mistakes

Raymond and Vincent were sent away to get food.  There were so many lines of people to follow but I eventually caught up to the boys.  We were in the line for Moules Frites, which is a pretty good line to be in.  Little did I know…  but more about that later. I bought Moules Frites — fortunately nothing to do with the bathing costume of a similar name that modesty forbids me from mentioning.  But those who know will find it funny.  With the Moules Frites you had a piece of bread and either an apple tart, which had nothing to do with young teenagers dressed inappropriately, or Far Breton, which unlike the one from Alexandrie, had prûnes…  But more about that later.

Brownie Points and Last Frites

I turned up with my trays of Moules Frites, for my wife, her mother, and myself.  I was later told by my mother in law that she wasn’t really hungry and that I really shouldn’t have, as she was eating the last moule and the last frite, and that yes, she would have the apple tart.  Classic lose-lose situation.  

I had won brownie points galore when I got back with some cold beers for my wife and I.  Well, one does aime to please. 

Fireworks and Finding the Car

At just after 11.10pm the fireworks started.  We all oohed and ahhed at the appropriate times, and when it was all over played at find that car.  I’m not usually very good at that game but tonight I was on fire (more about that later), and we eventually made it home.  Bliss.

The Party in My Pants

It was up to bed for me for a good night’s sleep.  But, yes, little did I know, I was to be awoken in the middle of the night with a stomach ache.  The party in my pants was under way.  I let out a botty burp, which wasn’t the best idea of the night, and dashed to the loo.  I sat down and had my own personal fireworks display down below.  Explosions and oohing and ahhing..  I managed to clean myself up and discarded my underwear, which bore the brunt of the opening salvo…  An hour later, I had a repeat performance.  This was fast becoming a night to forget — or at least to flush from memory.  

The Seafood God Has Spoken

The seafood god had sought vengeance, and it was my turn to pay.  The French have a healthy respect for the seafood god, as his attacks are notorious, and the scars are worn as badges of honour.  Lesson learnt.  More respect and an extra pair of undies.  A true rite of passage.  I just wasn’t very fond of him having that right to my passage

China – Foshan to Shenzhen Day 1 of 4


Welcome, dear reader, to another round of “what happens on tour, stays on tour.” So, where were we? It was the morning in Foshan.  I had time to go out and explore before the drive to Shenzhen.

I would wander the streets and just take the odd photo.  At the moment I’m doing an intermittent fast to try and help me lose some of the extra baggage I’m carrying around my tummy and part of that is having a window of when I can eat and when I can’t.  That morning I decided to not be so hard on myself.

I was thinking about Killian and my tummy and just “popped in” to a local supermarket which was definitely on the super side.  As I passed each aisle I was thinking about how Killian would have felt seeing all the produce.  It was going to be impossible to fit a 25kg bag of rice in my suitcase so that will have to wait.  I left, with regret, but still kept going on.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a shop specialising in blueberries—or Myrtilles, as we call them in France.  There are one of my major food weaknesses, and when at home they have become the new Smarties.  Yes, I eat them by that handful.  The gentleman at the till spoke wonderful english, and I ordered a glass of mixed up berries with ice.  I was going to get those anti-oxidants and that yummy juice.  I was happy.  On the way back to the hotel, some of the youngsters passed me by.  They had been to Starbucks.  Well good for them.  I had had my juice and felt far more superior, and healthier!

It would be a mere 135km by bus to Shenzhen.  I was going to remain antisocial (is this a character trait?) and just chill.  Shenzhen is one of those places that is huge.  We seemed to be driving in its suburbs forever.  Out of the window we could see Hong Kong, where a lot of us would have fancied going but it was not to be.  It was like seeing a Christmas present and it being taken away before you can unwrap it.

We arrived at the hotel and I thought, “well this will do for the next four days…” and indeed it would!   We traisped up to our room and it was fine!  Maybe not as modern as some of the others that had obviously been refurbished.  We were on the more “classic” floor.  But it was for sleeping in, and those pillows again.  Wow! 

Now, let’s get this out of the way: I’m still a “big” man. Like many of us, I carry around a hefty complex about my body. Even though I’ve lost some weight, I’m still too self-conscious to deal with the horror of getting changed in a room full of less rotund gentlemen. Silly, I know, but those of you who’ve been there will understand. Anyway, there I was, looking halfway decent—or at least as much as my concert attire would allow. But I am not just Big Uncle Ian. I’m also a horn player with a few years of practice under my belt. I help keep my section together, and I know they can depend on me when needed.

When we pulled up to the venue, the sheer size of the theatre was a bit overwhelming—in the best possible way. I can’t speak for the others, but when I arrive at a venue, I like to take a moment to soak it all in. First, I park my instrument in the wings, safe from the risk of being knocked over by an overzealous stagehand, then I step onto the stage to breathe in the atmosphere. You know, just to get a sense of the place.

A long banner in Chinese draped across the front balcony greeted us. It looked very official, like the kind of thing you’d expect at an international summit. Nearby, neatly stacked boxes of red flags caught my eye. It reminded me of a joke I once cracked about my son’s ex-girlfriend: “That girl had more red flags than the Chinese Communist Party Convention.” But these flags, though? They were no joke—definitely more on the serious side of things.

Looking up, I couldn’t help but marvel at the rigging. Lights and decorations were everywhere, hanging in their designated spots, all set to work their magic later. The whole setup was impressive—so much so, I hadn’t even properly stepped onto the stage yet.

When I did, I looked out at the sea of seats waiting to be filled. The thought of all those Chinese bums soon occupying them was enough to make anyone feel a touch nervous. But this is what we’re here for, isn’t it? You’ve got your program, you’ve done your prep. All that’s left is to get out there and play. Do, don’t think. Just blow…

We were to perform the same concert as the previous one. That doesn’t change. What does change is the audience and the way in which they interact with your music. When Jennifer sang her “I Love You China” song, it was as if the audience needed permission to sing along. Once given, they sang perfectly, and just like that, they were on our side.

Corentin—sorry, Sir Fanny Magnet—leapt up for the waltzes and had as much success as ever with his growing fan club. That poor boy just gives and gives, and when there’s nothing left, still keeps giving, much to the delight of the many Chinese lady fans.  Fortunately, he was accompanied by Paul (the duck tongue) Trouillet and two lucky ladies from the orchestra.  Sharing is most certainly caring, and these two just give, give, give, and share, share, share.   

As always, during the interval and before and after the concert, the staff put out fruit, tea, and bottles of water for us. As you know, I’m not a big drinker, but I make sure to drink at least two litres of water and eat plenty of fruit and vegetables daily. It keeps me regular. I had been missing both my water and fruit rations, so I stuffed myself with fiber for my gut. They might not do water, but they certainly do do wonderful tea—and that was a lifesaver.

Corentin, the poor boy, was going through coffee withdrawal symptoms. You see, we all have our troubles to deal with!

After the concert, our familiar routine awaited us: the bus, the restaurant, and eventually bed. Or so I thought—Corentin had other plans. I had eaten with my Cholet friends and learned that the boy wanted to try his hand at Mahjong. It’s a game where four players sit at a table, and to win, you need to form pairs of tiles and a sequence of tiles. I had joined my Cholet friends for an after-meal beer to discuss our plans for the upcoming visit to Shenzhen. Once we had made our plans, we headed down to the Mahjong table to see how our favourite Walzer was faring.

By the time we all went to bed, that boy had won three out of four games! Luckily, no money was changing hands, but we did learn that huge debts can be racked up playing this game. The Chinese do like their betting.

Talking of giving, and sharing, here is recording of that night’s concert.  Featuring Sir Fanny Magnet et Paul “Duck Tongue” Trouillet dancing and lapping up the attention…

What I get up to when unsupervised…

The UK Chronicles – Preface


Off to the UK

Good Evening, Dear Reader. You might not be able to feel the same excitement and trepidation as me, but I can assure you it’s palpable. I’m not talking about the Olympics, or the opening ceremony, which was very, very French. I’m talking about my upcoming annual leave. I will be going home to the UK for 10 days. I will be going home. Home is where the heart is, and as my mate David Frank once reminded me, you can take the boy out of Hull, but not the Hull out of the boy. How right he is. Even after 30 years of living in a foreign country, and despite having become somewhat “continental,” the UK is, and always will be, home.

Heading Home: Embracing Nostalgia and Anticipation

The physical preparations are not underway yet, but the mental ones certainly are. We will be driving up to Calais from the Vendée. It is a drive that over the years has become vaguely familiar, and I have the images in my mind of the various stops along the way, and the signs that I will be looking out for. My wife is a professional driver, and I will be relegated to helping out when she becomes tired and needs a rest.

The Road to the North: Familiar Drives and Service Station Delights

I don’t know about you, but when I’m in my car, I’m in a familiar environment, and it feels a little like having a part of my home with me. The controls for driving are second nature, and I don’t have to think. As I have mentioned, I am a creature of habit, and despite not being alone whilst driving, and the possibility of a mad screaming harpie, I mean wife, sitting next to me, I’m still looking forward to the trip. For the first time in 4 ½ years, my son will be coming with us, so I’ll have some masculine back-up and will feel less dominated by my daughter and wife.

We will have a stopover in Dover, and take the now familiar road up to Northumberland to see my parents. I’m actually looking forward to the service stations in the UK, especially one near Peterborough, that has a kind of Food Court, which includes Marks and Spencer. I’m looking forward to biting down onto a prawn cocktail sandwich, and a Wensleydale and carrot chutney sandwich. I know it’s not the “gastronomie” that the French might talk about, but to me, it’s about the nostalgia of the thing. It’s part of coming home.

Home Away from Home: Comfort in the Driver’s Seat

But, I hear you say, Dear Reader, you haven’t talked about cameras or photography yet? And you would be right. Thank you for allowing my little trip to nostalgia land. So, let’s talk about cameras for this trip. There is, of course, the X100F, that is the travel photographer’s camera par excellence. It’s compact, it works, and gets the job done. It’s what I will probably be using nearly 80% of the time. The 35mm F2.0 lens has me covered for nearly all situations, and if I take the telephoto conversion lens, then I’ll be even more covered.

Capturing Northumberland’s Beauty: Gear and Location Plans

Do I already have plans for where to take photos? Mayyyybe…

I have already a largish selection of photos of the village of Alnmouth, that you should be able to find on this site, either by using the search bar, or looking at the tag list at the bottom of every article. But, believe it or not, Northumberland is not just about Alnmouth. I know. Mind blowing.

I would like to get some shots of Dunstanborough Castle (for which I might even have to take my Canon 6D Mark II and various lenses, but I’m not sure about that yet), Beadnell, Seahouses, the Farne Islands, Holy Island, Craster, Bambourgh Castle. There’ll be beaches, islands, birds, seals, boats, and harbours. I even thought of going down by Amble and maybe stopping off in Walkworth.

That might mean a Canon bag, with lenses and filters, and possibly even a tripod. Decisions, decisions. Do I need more room in the car, and will the family gang up on me if I take more photography kit with me? There is a difference in volume and weight, of course.

Weathering the Storm (Or Not): Temperature Contrasts and Photographic Possibilities

I suppose it all depends on the weather. One tends not to visit the UK for the great weather. Here in my little corner of France, it’s supposed to be getting up to 36°C today. Not in Northumberland, though. I’m expecting 20°C and maybe lows of 14°C. Much more comfortable, and almost human.

Conclusion

So “home is where the heart is” is still something that resonates with me.  Thirty years a foreigner, and yet as a lot of us immigrants, we’ll never be completely at home in our adopted country, we are condemned to never feel fully at home in our home country.  We will be “continental”.  Our very essence has changed. The nostalgia for a past that has moved on since we left is another of our penances.  Maybe that’s why I do so much black and white photography; a way of trying to capture this bygone time.